youth bowling activity coming up. I'm not looking forward to it... I'd rather not go... I think I will force myself to go... but I don't want to... and why spend the money if I'm not going to enjoy myself? *pouts* I know, I'm being bratty, but doesn't everyone have the right to be bratty at times? I don't want to be there, besides I don't have anything to wear... please give me a good reason to go, 'cause I don't want to.

anyway, I went to my grandparents' today. Christmas presents... a hand puppet (carebears, how exciting), underwear (three sizes too big... talk about returns!), a desk calendar (get one of those like every year), and some cash. nothing all that exciting happened while I was there.

dealt with some kids and and easily frustrated people...

ate some Belgian chocolates (I think I ate one too many, is that a headache I feel?), and ta-daa. fun.

I'm frustrated. yes, F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D. plus, I'm sick of being frustated, so that makes me frustrated all the more. when will life make sense? when will things right themselves, or even if they don't... when will I be able to right them??? *sigh* (I really sighed there... that made me laugh) anyway, yeah... for once I'd like some normalcy. a little less tension, maybe? some more clarity, a light at the end of the tunnel.... SOMETHING please?!?!

I've heard this song a million times, but just finally paid attention to it. I really read the lyrics for the first time today... I can't believe it took me so long.

Only One, Lifehouse

She's got a pretty smile
It covers up the poison that she hides
She walks around in circles in my head
Waiting for a chance to take me
A chance to break me
A chance to take me down
Now I see this burden you gave me
Is too much to carry
Too much to bury inside

I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down
You're still the only one
You're still the only one

It's all shallow and all so appealing
I'm up to my ankles and I'm drowning anyway
In a sea of sarcastic faces, familiar places
Where everything looks quite the same here
It's all confusingly amusing
Bitter and tainted, the picture you painted to me

I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down
You're still the only one
Who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down

Just 'cause it's all in your head
Doesn't mean it has to be in mine
Don't believe what you said
Still can't get it out of my mind
I've tried to find myself in approval
I've already been there
Already done that, it got me nowhere
It brought me nothing but a good place to hide in
No one to confide in now

I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one

my little CD player broke last night. it was weird, I was using it pretty much all day, had dropped it twice, but it was still working. I turned it off, put in another CD a few hours later, and that was it... the thing that scans the CD is screwed up, it doesn't move right. *sigh* oh well, I have another one, just not as cool.... anyway, that CD player lasted for exactly year. I got it last Christmas, it broke on Christmas Eve. nifty, huh?

so, yeah, I'm currently using that other CD player.... listening to Swtichfoot. I like this CD a LOT more than I thought I would. (that's a good thing, by the way.) so, yeah, this is 10 CDs in 12 days, sheer madness.

anyway, I wrapped ALL of the girls' presents last night while listening to Rebecca St. James. no one helped, everyone refused, it was pretty bad. I so hate thin wrapping paper.

what did I do for Christmas? I watched Veggie Tales, had my hair "done" by my sisters, watched Toria pile make-up on her face like there was no tomorrow (seriously, she was using the eyeshadow applicator like it was a shovel and globbing it on...), took a nice long nap, ordered McDonald's from Toria (she got a McDonald's cash register thing for Christmas, it's pretty cute), listened to Switchfoot (it was the CD of the day), watched the DVD side of the disc (man those dudes look weird), watched half of a Christmas movie, and started a new book.

gosh, my bed looks so cool.... "funky" is the proper word. I took pictures of it, but I would be so dead if I posted any of those online.

now onto deciding if I'll risk loading this CD onto my computer...


okay, very good song here... whoever typed these lyrics up didn't do all that great of a job of doing it, but I don't feel like going all the way to my room to get the lyrics and then typing them up to have to bring them all the way back... you'll survive.


Golden, Switchfoot

(Like freedom in spring)

She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't not how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now,

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts
You're far from home, it's a perfect place to start

(Yeah!)
(Burn)
(Burn, Burn!)

So this final verse is a contradiction
And the more we learn the less we know

We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are)
Every breath is a fading crown we wear (Golden, Child, you are)
Like some debilitated king (Golden, don't let go)
Don't let go tonight

The Earth spins and the moon goes round (Golden, you are)
The green comes from the frozen ground (Golden, Child, you are)
And everything will be made new again (Golden)
(Like freedom in spring) (Golden, Golden)

Hey, like freedom in spring, (Golden, you are, hey)
Like freedom in spring (Golden, Child, you are)
(Gold...)

at 5:30 the doorbell rang. my mom went downstairs, and like I normally do whenever we have an unexpected visitor, I stood on the landing and listened. I couldn't hear whoever it was, but I could hear my mom say "did you want to see Vanessa?" of course that surprised me, so I mentally went over the [extremely short] list of who she would feel the need to say that to. as she came up the stairs I asked who it was. it was the asshole who fucked up my life, that's who it was. ...and in case you're still wondering, he didn't want to see me.

why was he at my door? to drop off some cookies and a couple other things. ...and maybe to ruin Christmas? who knows, but he ruined my evening all right.

it's not like he was ever a real part of my life. he obviously didn't want to be, or he would have been. that doesn't matter, he should have been... goodness, doesn't "father" suggest something important? well, maybe not these days...

it's not that I want to care. I'd rather not, but since we're all born with people who are supposed to mean the world to us, I can't help it... even though he never did his part.

it's not that I don't like what I have, who I have, the dad I have... I'm just.... I don't know. I really hope that all this doesn't swing me into one of those majorly stupid bouts of depression again. that's not cool.

I obviously don't know how to explain what I'm feeling at the moment. I want to, though... right after I found out who it was, my first thought was "who do I call?" but there's no one... not as in no one who will listen, but no one who can fill that space, no one who will be that someone...

I still don't have all the words.


I've been listening to this song for at least two hours now. after all of this now, I have no idea what it makes me think of anymore. oh well.


Addicted, Kelly Clarkson

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

I currently have like four songs spinning around in my head, therefore I don't know which one to put on my "current song." so, picking the one that is the loudest the winner is "Momentum"!!! yay! love that song, love that CD... it makes me very happy.

also, being able to type makes me happy.

I CAN TYPE AGAIN. going for 2+ hours without being able to type is stressful, folks. I rammed my elbow into the corner of a wall, and no, not just hitting it on the wall... I got the corner right inbetween those two bones in your elbow. very unpleasant, I couldn't even move my arm when it happened. it was hurting so bad that I just went and cried (and got mascara all over my pillow *sigh*). being in pain while being numb and tingly is the weirdest thing... y'know what I mean, I hit that "funny bone" nerve (super hard), so all along my elbow-to-pinky hurt... but NOW, I can't move in certain ways but I can TYPE!!!

I'm very tired. I got to spend a lot of time walking today. yeah, I went to the mall, and then went grocery shopping. fun...

I picked up a bigger CD "wallet" hehe... it holds 100, I wonder how long that will last.

anyway, there was something else I wanted to say here, but I don't remember what.

my pinky is feeling numb again... so much for typing.

I felt so sick today ...up until like 45 minutes before I had to leave for church, I kid you not. it was probably caused by the fact that I hadn't eaten anything... what else could it be? it was awful though, I was congested, had no appetite, and felt sick to my stomach. after forcing myself to eat, I felt much better, though.

on a lighter note...

Christmas party tonight! (...in the past tense sorta way) goodness, I felt so bad for the B-League quizzers whose teammates didn't do any presents for each other. it reminds me of how I felt when I'd be at my friend's birthday parties on my birthday (we had the same birthday), not a very fun feeling. anywho... it was okay. not the same as last year, whatsoever. last year's Christmas was so different from this year's. I don't even know how to begin to explain it.... it just felt different.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow. :-) we're gonna be there for opening time... I hope my mom remembers that I have to be at the orthodontist tomorrow, or that could 'cause a problem. either way, we'll have plenty of mall time. I remember going to the mall for opening like so many times around Christmas when I was little. things are so different now... I haven't been to the mall in six months!

I've decied that winter is pretty while snow is falling, or after a fresh snowfall; but other than that, it's pretty drab looking.

ahhh... gotta go.

so, my CD storage is running out. I've had to remove way too many CDs from my CD "wallet" (I hate that term), and my CD "spinner" (the thing that holds all those cases) has like five spaces left...

so, somewhere between contemplating all of this and some other random things, I realized that the majority of the CDs that I currently own have only been acquired within the last year... upon realizing that, I immediately started counting. and yes, exactly 36 CDs have only been around since Christmas-time of last year. that's like 3 CDs a month (which is nothing like how it happened), how pathetic is that? ...and no, it's not like I went and bought all of those. hm. I should go through and make percentages... haha, I'm not that bored.

yeah, so like half (or probably more than half) of my CDs are less than a year old.

in other news... I wrote a poem yesterday! *starts laughing hysterically*

my mom just sold every single Barney video on E-bay (with all the Acti-Mates stuff - doll, game, everything) for like $50. I don't care about the money, but the Barney videos are GONE, people!!! we must celebrate...

I think my ear is just about un-swollen. at least by looking at myself straight-on in the mirror, it doesn't look like it sticks out any. now, I just have to wait for that stupid scar to not be bright red, and maybe I can do something with my hair again... every time I'd ask the doctor something like "will the scar show?" or "when will the swelling go down?" he was all "in a few weeks, but it doesn't matter anyway with the way your hair is..." now what type of a guy response is that? I'm serious, next time I go (which should be some time in January), I'm so wearing my hair on the top of my head...

anyway... Christmas is now five days away



...it doesn't feel like five days. it still doesn't feel like Christmas. I have no clue why. (but of course, many people will tell you that "feelings" aren't very reliable, so I guess I should stop caring and just get on with it)

and since these ticker things are just way too cool...



(I think this has got to be my most-edited entry ever...)

this weekend has been strange. I've been out of it since Friday morning, and I still don't know why. by "out of it" I mean, like, numb. that's the only way I know how to describe it. I don't feel like doing anything, from reading to eating. I feel much better lying on my bed with headphones on, staring at the wall 'til I see my clock wherever I look than doing anything else. and it's not like anything's going on that I have to spend all sorts of time thinking about or anything... I'm never like this for absolutley no reason. I'm scaring myself... I was even crying for the most pathetic reasons last night (when no one was around, of course).

so, yeah, I'm just wondering where my normal self is, because this isn't at all like me.

so I was thinking today (okay, so it wasn't today, it was last night during my official "thinking time" - right before I fall asleep) when I realized that I haven't seen any Christmas movies! normally during this time of year we watch all sorts of Christmas movies on TV, but we haven't watched a single one this year. I'm thinking that maybe that could be part of the reason that I feel like Christmas officially snuck up on me, because even though Christmas is only eight days away, it doesn't feel like Christmas yet. don't get me wrong, I'm ready for Christmas, all my presents are wrapped and waiting to be given, I've decorated the house (or else it wouldn't be decorated... for some reason, that job has fallen to me), and I've... I don't know what else. ...anywho, yeah, Christmas movies. so, I was looking online at the schedule for Christmas movies and guess what... my two favorite Christmas movies have NOT been missed! one comes on tonight at six o'clock and my absolute favorite comes on Christmas evening at eight o'clock. did I mention that I am very relieved? and yes, I wrote myself a note about them, or else I would forget. goodness, TV bothers me... so yeah, that's good news.

bad news? the bathroom smells funny. no, not funny like that; funny like... weird. see, the smell of bleach nauseates me rather badly. I'm not kidding either... why? well, I don't want to make another post with a warning at the top, so I won't go into why it nauseates me, just know it does, 'kay? yeah, so, the bathroom smells like bleach... in this lingering way. mom cleaned it like two or three days ago and it still reeks. it's bad.

so, that's what's up with me. now it's your turn...

this song has been stuck in my head.... I FINALLY found the lryics! (Hawk Nelson performs it, but didn't write it, that's why I couldn't find them before.) I have no idea WHY, but it's just in my head constantly. normally, I wouldn't mind, but the song doesn't make me think of anything! anyway... yeah, lyrics here so I can find them again.


Last Christmas

Chorus:
Last christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
It’s been a year
It doesn’t surprise me
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying I love you
I meant it
Now I know what a fool I’ve been
But if you kissed me now
I know you’d fool me again

Chorus

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I’m hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My God I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I’ve found a real love you’ll never fool me again

Chorus x2

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover buy you tore him apart
Maybe next year I’ll give it to someone
I’ll give it to someone special.