lost in the motions

again...

2005-12-29T02:58:04Z

youth bowling activity coming up. I'm not looking forward to it... I'd rather not go... I think I will force myself to go... but I don't want to... and why spend the money if I'm not going to enjoy myself? *pouts* I know, I'm being bratty, but doesn't everyone have the right to be bratty at times? I don't want to be there, besides I don't have anything to wear... please give me a good reason to go, 'cause I don't want to.

anyway, I went to my grandparents' today. Christmas presents... a hand puppet (carebears, how exciting), underwear (three sizes too big... talk about returns!), a desk calendar (get one of those like every year), and some cash. nothing all that exciting happened while I was there.

dealt with some kids and and easily frustrated people...

ate some Belgian chocolates (I think I ate one too many, is that a headache I feel?), and ta-daa. fun.

I'm frustrated. yes, F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D. plus, I'm sick of being frustated, so that makes me frustrated all the more. when will life make sense? when will things right themselves, or even if they don't... when will I be able to right them??? *sigh* (I really sighed there... that made me laugh) anyway, yeah... for once I'd like some normalcy. a little less tension, maybe? some more clarity, a light at the end of the tunnel.... SOMETHING please?!?!

only one

2005-12-27T01:15:23Z

I've heard this song a million times, but just finally paid attention to it. I really read the lyrics for the first time today... I can't believe it took me so long.

Only One, Lifehouse

She's got a pretty smile
It covers up the poison that she hides
She walks around in circles in my head
Waiting for a chance to take me
A chance to break me
A chance to take me down
Now I see this burden you gave me
Is too much to carry
Too much to bury inside

I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down
You're still the only one
You're still the only one

It's all shallow and all so appealing
I'm up to my ankles and I'm drowning anyway
In a sea of sarcastic faces, familiar places
Where everything looks quite the same here
It's all confusingly amusing
Bitter and tainted, the picture you painted to me

I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down
You're still the only one
Who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one left standing
When everything else goes down

Just 'cause it's all in your head
Doesn't mean it has to be in mine
Don't believe what you said
Still can't get it out of my mind
I've tried to find myself in approval
I've already been there
Already done that, it got me nowhere
It brought me nothing but a good place to hide in
No one to confide in now

I guess you're the only one that nobody changes
I guess you're the only one who will never change faces
I guess you're the only one

Christmas randomness

2005-12-26T03:34:44Z

my little CD player broke last night. it was weird, I was using it pretty much all day, had dropped it twice, but it was still working. I turned it off, put in another CD a few hours later, and that was it... the thing that scans the CD is screwed up, it doesn't move right. *sigh* oh well, I have another one, just not as cool.... anyway, that CD player lasted for exactly year. I got it last Christmas, it broke on Christmas Eve. nifty, huh?

so, yeah, I'm currently using that other CD player.... listening to Swtichfoot. I like this CD a LOT more than I thought I would. (that's a good thing, by the way.) so, yeah, this is 10 CDs in 12 days, sheer madness.

anyway, I wrapped ALL of the girls' presents last night while listening to Rebecca St. James. no one helped, everyone refused, it was pretty bad. I so hate thin wrapping paper.

what did I do for Christmas? I watched Veggie Tales, had my hair "done" by my sisters, watched Toria pile make-up on her face like there was no tomorrow (seriously, she was using the eyeshadow applicator like it was a shovel and globbing it on...), took a nice long nap, ordered McDonald's from Toria (she got a McDonald's cash register thing for Christmas, it's pretty cute), listened to Switchfoot (it was the CD of the day), watched the DVD side of the disc (man those dudes look weird), watched half of a Christmas movie, and started a new book.

gosh, my bed looks so cool.... "funky" is the proper word. I took pictures of it, but I would be so dead if I posted any of those online.

now onto deciding if I'll risk loading this CD onto my computer...

okay, very good song here... whoever typed these lyrics up didn't do all that great of a job of doing it, but I don't feel like going all the way to my room to get the lyrics and then typing them up to have to bring them all the way back... you'll survive.

Golden, Switchfoot

(Like freedom in spring)

She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up,
She's been staring down the demons
Who've been screaming
She's just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame of the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn't not how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes,
It's your book now,

You are golden,
You are golden, Child
You are golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts
You're far from home, it's a perfect place to start

(Yeah!)
(Burn)
(Burn, Burn!)

So this final verse is a contradiction
And the more we learn the less we know

We've been talkin' about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse,
I've seldom been so sure,
About anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
(Don't let go)
(Don't let go tonight)

This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are)
Every breath is a fading crown we wear (Golden, Child, you are)
Like some debilitated king (Golden, don't let go)
Don't let go tonight

The Earth spins and the moon goes round (Golden, you are)
The green comes from the frozen ground (Golden, Child, you are)
And everything will be made new again (Golden)
(Like freedom in spring) (Golden, Golden)

Hey, like freedom in spring, (Golden, you are, hey)
Like freedom in spring (Golden, Child, you are)
(Gold...)

leave me alone

2005-12-23T23:31:17Z

at 5:30 the doorbell rang. my mom went downstairs, and like I normally do whenever we have an unexpected visitor, I stood on the landing and listened. I couldn't hear whoever it was, but I could hear my mom say "did you want to see Vanessa?" of course that surprised me, so I mentally went over the [extremely short] list of who she would feel the need to say that to. as she came up the stairs I asked who it was. it was the asshole who fucked up my life, that's who it was. ...and in case you're still wondering, he didn't want to see me.

why was he at my door? to drop off some cookies and a couple other things. ...and maybe to ruin Christmas? who knows, but he ruined my evening all right.

it's not like he was ever a real part of my life. he obviously didn't want to be, or he would have been. that doesn't matter, he should have been... goodness, doesn't "father" suggest something important? well, maybe not these days...

it's not that I want to care. I'd rather not, but since we're all born with people who are supposed to mean the world to us, I can't help it... even though he never did his part.

it's not that I don't like what I have, who I have, the dad I have... I'm just.... I don't know. I really hope that all this doesn't swing me into one of those majorly stupid bouts of depression again. that's not cool.

I obviously don't know how to explain what I'm feeling at the moment. I want to, though... right after I found out who it was, my first thought was "who do I call?" but there's no one... not as in no one who will listen, but no one who can fill that space, no one who will be that someone...

I still don't have all the words.

I've been listening to this song for at least two hours now. after all of this now, I have no idea what it makes me think of anymore. oh well.

Addicted, Kelly Clarkson

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

where my freaks?

2005-12-23T02:29:45Z

I currently have like four songs spinning around in my head, therefore I don't know which one to put on my "current song." so, picking the one that is the loudest the winner is "Momentum"!!! yay! love that song, love that CD... it makes me very happy.

also, being able to type makes me happy.

I CAN TYPE AGAIN. going for 2+ hours without being able to type is stressful, folks. I rammed my elbow into the corner of a wall, and no, not just hitting it on the wall... I got the corner right inbetween those two bones in your elbow. very unpleasant, I couldn't even move my arm when it happened. it was hurting so bad that I just went and cried (and got mascara all over my pillow *sigh*). being in pain while being numb and tingly is the weirdest thing... y'know what I mean, I hit that "funny bone" nerve (super hard), so all along my elbow-to-pinky hurt... but NOW, I can't move in certain ways but I can TYPE!!!

I'm very tired. I got to spend a lot of time walking today. yeah, I went to the mall, and then went grocery shopping. fun...

I picked up a bigger CD "wallet" hehe... it holds 100, I wonder how long that will last.

anyway, there was something else I wanted to say here, but I don't remember what.

my pinky is feeling numb again... so much for typing.

falling forever

2005-12-22T03:29:27Z

I felt so sick today ...up until like 45 minutes before I had to leave for church, I kid you not. it was probably caused by the fact that I hadn't eaten anything... what else could it be? it was awful though, I was congested, had no appetite, and felt sick to my stomach. after forcing myself to eat, I felt much better, though.

on a lighter note...

Christmas party tonight! (...in the past tense sorta way) goodness, I felt so bad for the B-League quizzers whose teammates didn't do any presents for each other. it reminds me of how I felt when I'd be at my friend's birthday parties on my birthday (we had the same birthday), not a very fun feeling. anywho... it was okay. not the same as last year, whatsoever. last year's Christmas was so different from this year's. I don't even know how to begin to explain it.... it just felt different.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow. :-) we're gonna be there for opening time... I hope my mom remembers that I have to be at the orthodontist tomorrow, or that could 'cause a problem. either way, we'll have plenty of mall time. I remember going to the mall for opening like so many times around Christmas when I was little. things are so different now... I haven't been to the mall in six months!

I've decied that winter is pretty while snow is falling, or after a fresh snowfall; but other than that, it's pretty drab looking.

ahhh... gotta go.

whoa...

2005-12-20T15:34:11Z

so, my CD storage is running out. I've had to remove way too many CDs from my CD "wallet" (I hate that term), and my CD "spinner" (the thing that holds all those cases) has like five spaces left...

so, somewhere between contemplating all of this and some other random things, I realized that the majority of the CDs that I currently own have only been acquired within the last year... upon realizing that, I immediately started counting. and yes, exactly 36 CDs have only been around since Christmas-time of last year. that's like 3 CDs a month (which is nothing like how it happened), how pathetic is that? ...and no, it's not like I went and bought all of those. hm. I should go through and make percentages... haha, I'm not that bored.

yeah, so like half (or probably more than half) of my CDs are less than a year old.

in other news... I wrote a poem yesterday! *starts laughing hysterically*

my mom just sold every single Barney video on E-bay (with all the Acti-Mates stuff - doll, game, everything) for like $50. I don't care about the money, but the Barney videos are GONE, people!!! we must celebrate...

I think my ear is just about un-swollen. at least by looking at myself straight-on in the mirror, it doesn't look like it sticks out any. now, I just have to wait for that stupid scar to not be bright red, and maybe I can do something with my hair again... every time I'd ask the doctor something like "will the scar show?" or "when will the swelling go down?" he was all "in a few weeks, but it doesn't matter anyway with the way your hair is..." now what type of a guy response is that? I'm serious, next time I go (which should be some time in January), I'm so wearing my hair on the top of my head...

anyway... Christmas is now five days away

...it doesn't feel like five days. it still doesn't feel like Christmas. I have no clue why. (but of course, many people will tell you that "feelings" aren't very reliable, so I guess I should stop caring and just get on with it)

and since these ticker things are just way too cool...

(I think this has got to be my most-edited entry ever...)

huh?

2005-12-18T20:37:24Z

this weekend has been strange. I've been out of it since Friday morning, and I still don't know why. by "out of it" I mean, like, numb. that's the only way I know how to describe it. I don't feel like doing anything, from reading to eating. I feel much better lying on my bed with headphones on, staring at the wall 'til I see my clock wherever I look than doing anything else. and it's not like anything's going on that I have to spend all sorts of time thinking about or anything... I'm never like this for absolutley no reason. I'm scaring myself... I was even crying for the most pathetic reasons last night (when no one was around, of course).

so, yeah, I'm just wondering where my normal self is, because this isn't at all like me.

Christmas movies

2005-12-17T21:06:06Z

so I was thinking today (okay, so it wasn't today, it was last night during my official "thinking time" - right before I fall asleep) when I realized that I haven't seen any Christmas movies! normally during this time of year we watch all sorts of Christmas movies on TV, but we haven't watched a single one this year. I'm thinking that maybe that could be part of the reason that I feel like Christmas officially snuck up on me, because even though Christmas is only eight days away, it doesn't feel like Christmas yet. don't get me wrong, I'm ready for Christmas, all my presents are wrapped and waiting to be given, I've decorated the house (or else it wouldn't be decorated... for some reason, that job has fallen to me), and I've... I don't know what else. ...anywho, yeah, Christmas movies. so, I was looking online at the schedule for Christmas movies and guess what... my two favorite Christmas movies have NOT been missed! one comes on tonight at six o'clock and my absolute favorite comes on Christmas evening at eight o'clock. did I mention that I am very relieved? and yes, I wrote myself a note about them, or else I would forget. goodness, TV bothers me... so yeah, that's good news.

bad news? the bathroom smells funny. no, not funny like that; funny like... weird. see, the smell of bleach nauseates me rather badly. I'm not kidding either... why? well, I don't want to make another post with a warning at the top, so I won't go into why it nauseates me, just know it does, 'kay? yeah, so, the bathroom smells like bleach... in this lingering way. mom cleaned it like two or three days ago and it still reeks. it's bad.

so, that's what's up with me. now it's your turn...

Last Christmas

2005-12-16T03:32:43Z

this song has been stuck in my head.... I FINALLY found the lryics! (Hawk Nelson performs it, but didn't write it, that's why I couldn't find them before.) I have no idea WHY, but it's just in my head constantly. normally, I wouldn't mind, but the song doesn't make me think of anything! anyway... yeah, lyrics here so I can find them again.

Last Christmas

Chorus:
Last christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
It’s been a year
It doesn’t surprise me
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying I love you
I meant it
Now I know what a fool I’ve been
But if you kissed me now
I know you’d fool me again

Chorus

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I’m hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My God I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I’ve found a real love you’ll never fool me again

Chorus x2

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover buy you tore him apart
Maybe next year I’ll give it to someone
I’ll give it to someone special.

an interesting day

2005-12-16T01:08:08Z

*warning* don't read the below post if you're the queasy-stomached type.

today's been interesting. I was at my grandparents' house all day, and right now I'm wiped. it feels sooo much later than it actually is.

the most interesting part of today happened when we were back at my grandparents' house after taking a trip to Wal-Mart. and of course, it all had to happen to me....

while I was in the bathroom, Toria said she had to go poop, and Violet said she had to go to the bathroom, too. so I quickly finished my business and pulled Toria in there. but... uhoh, she'd had diarrhea in her pants. just as I start trying to take care of Toria, Violet pees in her pants, but does it stay in her pants? of course not. there's a huge puddle all over the floor. as usual, she starts crying, and Toria wants to sit on the toilet, but she'd just make a mess if she did... and Mom was outside. yeah, panic... major. so, I sorta run outside screaming rather loudly that my mom needed to come inside NOW ...and she got the point.

thankfully, my mom took care of the majority of the yucky tasks. Toria went home in one of my grandmother's old skirts and underwear that was rather larger; and Violet was carried to the van in my grandfather's socks, since her stockings were soiled.

so, yeah, that was very interesting. I didn't get yelled at though, since it really wasn't my fault. Violet hadn't been taken to the bathroom in hours and Toria... well she'd had diarrhea the day before and cheese today, so what else would you expect?

normal things? lessee.... got Flyleaf's CD finally. I like every song, and there's only one that I might possibly skip.

love this song...

All Around Me, Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

...and like two other ones, but I won't post all of them now, 'cause then they'd never get read.

broken dreams

2005-12-15T14:52:52Z

She stood out, you couldn't help but notice her. Head down, eyes beyond sight, she didn't look very friendly. The middle of winter, and she was huddled against a cold brick wall. The wall didn't look very welcoming, but if you'd asked her, she wouldn't have wanted to move. She liked it there. After all, the wall was a presence of some sort, and she was alone enough to enjoy it.

Snow was falling gently, the sky was gray. Many would call it a beautiful moment, but she couldn't even see it, eyes filled with tears. Shivering with the cold, hands deep in her pockets, she waited. Someday her purpose would arrive.

....inspired by Katie, the only person who would care that it's not a cement block wall. xP (and no, it isn't done yet. I had to get off the computer.)

WHAT?

2005-12-15T04:37:06Z

I'm seriously going to cry right now. (just an expression, no I'm not.)

STUPID ACTIVE CONTENT!

I had like a bunch of post typed up, but then I put a CD in my drive, and what did it do? it didn't bring up a new screen, no-o-o, it had to bring up it's little page thing in THIS screen which I was USING!!! hell-ooo.

I should have learned better by now to NOT put discs in the drive when I'm typing something I don't want to lose. I mean, really, it's not like the page was really IMPORTANT it was just a picture and link. that's it. boring, stupid, useless page that got rid of all the wonderful things that I had typed.

okay, so maybe it wasn't really wonderful, but I'll get to that shortly.

oh, I guess I'll get to that now, I forgot what I was going to say.

no, skip that, I just remembered.

honestly, I don't mind that what I'd typed was gone, because it's a security feature (for lack of a better name), and that is a little reassuring, but I'm not stupid enough to NEED that feature anyway, so what's the point?

okay, back to what I was typing.

well, earlier today Katie asked me if I'd ever tried to type what I was thinking, like, word for word. I told her "kinda" (the honest answer), but I figured that I'd try later on today. so... that was what I was typing. not that it was very interesting, mind you...

anyway, to be quite honest, these posts are normally straight from whatever I've thought. they're seldom scripted, and not always thought through. (this one is a prime example of that)

so, now I will try again... now I will type whatever I'm thinking starting NOW.

I wonder if it's done ripping.

*checks*

no, I wonder if this one's going faster. not like I'm going to actually try to record times or anything.

the games are getting boring.

I wonder if Rachel is going to study.

END.

no more thinking for you, I'm not thinking anything interesting right now, anyway.

onto the normal journal-ness of my usual LJ entries.

I went to Wal-Mart today. got some gift bags. I think I got enough... oh yeah, I got some tissue paper too. how boring and mundane.... nothing exciting in that purchase, at all. even the change from the cashier was boring - $0.01. *sigh*

I'm still miffed about the earrings. I don't think I ever posted about it... well, now I will (since I'm trying to post rather straight from thought, this is what you get... bunny trails *wink*). where was I? oh. anywho... yeah, there was this pair of earrings at Wal-Mart that I somehow let myself fall in love with (I really don't fall in love with jewelry, in case you're wondering.), so like every time I went, I stopped by the jewelry racks and whatnot, but I didn't have any money, so I didn't buy them. so, yeah, WHAT happens the next time I go to Wal-Mart and I have money? you probably guessed, the earrings were gone. I was mad... and nothing else compares to them, since I really have looked at every other pair there, but I can't find one that I want.

*sigh*

yeah, that's that.

anyway... what else was I going to say?

oh, that's right - nothing.

good night.

beyond

2005-12-13T18:42:06Z

I'm going to the dump shortly. How exciting is that? Well it would be a LOT more exciting if it wasn't like practically winter.... stupid coldness. Our back porch is filled with junk. Yeah, mom cleaned out a ton of stuff, and the sad part is ... I can barely tell. So, yeah, that's what we'll be taking to the dump.

The good news? I no longer have tax boxes in my closet. So now, I get to fill up the back of my closet with all sorts of other things, like... well, I'm thinking of putting yarn back there, but I don't feel like going through all that at the moment.

Yeah, I was in my closet yesterday, and it's weird... I haven't been IN a closet in a while. You've got to understand that our closets are kind of narrow, but wide... if that makes sense. Like, there's not too much depth-wise, but they go long, like, side to side. Got it? Well, I'm not sure if it was these closets in this house, the closets in the last place, or both; but I used to sit in the closets and read all the time. Now, I can't fit myself in there beyond sideways. Like, I can't walk normally or bend over in there, because my hips are too wide, yet I can walk a sidestep in there. I know, that didn't make any sense, but think about it... I haven't been in a closet in what's got to be seven years, so, yeah, it's different now. I don't want to read in my closet anymore.

whatever

2005-12-12T14:36:59Z

I cleaned up my room yesterday. :-) It looks rather nice, I think. The best it's looked in a while - and I'm not kidding. I finally figured out where to hide all those binders and large books that didn't fit anywhere else. That made me happy. And the top of my keyboard looks snazzy, I think.

Anyway...

The parents got in an argument last night. Mom's still crying. *rolls eyes*

Soup Kitchen today. Haven't been to one since September.

Had an interesting dream last night, but I can't remember much of it. However, I do remember getting free ice cream at McDonald's.

LIFE group last night. Wayne was there. Goodness, I haven't talked with that kid in forever. It showed. We just joked about stuff, arm wrestled, and talked about calluses from playing the guitar. He wants to do arm wrestling at the Christmas party...

running out of time

2005-12-11T18:58:37Z

so, I was in a cleaning-up mood. I started cleaning up, but my mom kicked me out of my room - AFTER she'd said that it was okay. grrr... so now, there is a mess of linen on the floor of my room, but oh well, it has to wait.

my hands hurt.... no, they ache *sigh*

I'm bored. I could be doing something worthwhile but no-o-o.

"I'm moody"

let's see, this weekend. I spent the majority of Saturday over at Katie's house. We had Miss Diane's that night, and that was nice. There were only three of us there - me, Veronica, Katie. It was nice, the nicest it's been in a long time. We laughed and talked and, well, yeah... watched a video.

I want to take a nap... and I will, I will take a nap today.

case histories.

2005-12-10T02:47:46Z

well, it snowed and snowed and snowed today. my parents were gone until the late afternoon... playing with their AWD vehicle. crazy people - they went all the way to a mall in Connecticut, doing 30 on the interstate. they had a blast. goodness, they were gone for forever though.

yeah, I was stuck at home with my sisters. I had a good excuse not to do school though, so I basically read all day. I finished two books, one which finally concluded that wonderful but far too long series that I got landed with, and another that I just picked up from my "unread" pile a couple of days ago. It was an interesting book, but I can't recommend it since, like many modern novels, it has all sorts of unmentionable things in it.

anyway... yeah, I was bored. I suppose I still am, but I had a quality diversion after a while.

Christmas is 16 days away...

you don't define me

2005-12-08T18:49:10Z

ever stand in front of a mirror in a dark room with a flashlight, just to watch your iris adjust? ...or stare at your fingerprint until your eyes hurt?

maybe I'm just weird.

I think I use mirrors too much.

...while flossing my teeth a couple of days ago, I noticed that I now have a wisdom tooth peeking out back there.

anyway.... I have nothing else to say. I'll be going to Wal-Mart today. I haven't been since before Thanksgiving. awful, huh? especially since this is my absolute favorite time to be there.

I want to take a nap.

bored boredness

2005-12-07T00:08:43Z

You Are Broccoli Casserole Soda

Vegetarians taste better!

What Jones Holiday Soda Are You?

eew...

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

I wonder which one was wrong...

On Average, You Would Sell Out For

$1,108,281

At What Price Would You Sell Out?

that made no sense

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I think I might have done that one before, but I don't remember

You Are Chubby Hubby Ice Cream

So there's more of you to love... a whole lot more!

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

huh?

You Are Warm Nights by the Fire

Peaceful and romantic. The best part of fall.

What Part of Fall Are You?

autumn's nearly over.... *sigh*

Your Band Name is:

The King of Ninjas

Band Name Generator

boring.

All American Kid

Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain.

You were well rounded and well liked in high school.

Who Were You In High School?

hm.

You Are Japanese Food

Strange yet delicious.
Contrary to popular belief, you're not always eaten raw.

What Kind of Food Are You?

that just sounds funny.

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Deer

Animal You Were in a Past Life: Panda

You are a fun-seeker - an adventurous, risk-taker.
While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational.

The Animal Personality Test

not really.

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality
Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special

What Kind of Pie Are You?

pumpkin?

You Are Mashed Potatoes

Oridnary, comforting, and more than a little predictable
You're the glue that holds everyone together.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

mushy! NO!

Your Monster Profile

Infamous Troll

You Feast On: Bananas

You Lurk Around In: The Ocean

You Especially Like to Torment: Hairdressers

What's Your Monster Name?

hairdressers? freak.

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

oh cool, Mr. Brightside... good song.

You Should Get a JD (Juris Doctor)

You're logical, driven, and ruthless.
You'd make a mighty fine lawyer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

lawyer? not again...

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting.
You focus on living a quality life.
You're not easily impressed with novelty.
Yet, you easily impress others.

What's Your Pizza Personality?

that picture looks familiar, but the quiz wasn't.

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

...

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

bingo.

Kelly Clarkson Shares Your Taste in Music

See her whole playlist here (iTunes required)

Which Musician (or Group) Shares Your Taste in Music?

cool!

You Should Learn Swedish

Fantastisk! You're laid back about learning a language - and about life in general.
Peaceful, beautiful Sweden is ideal for you... And you won't even have to speak perfect Swedish to get around!

What Language Should You Learn?

eew...

Your Hair Should Be White

Classy, stylish, and eloquent.
You've got a way about you that floors everyone you meet.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

major eew.

---

today's seemed awfully long. like all day it's felt sooo much later than whatever time it actually was at the moment.

I'm bored... and bored of being bored... and bored of doing boring things to cover up boredness.

see, times like this only happen after great spurts of busyness. oh well, I can get over it.

I had my Spanish class today. stupid optional animals....

"cottage white"

I need something new to think about. I don't even have a song in my head.

hello there

2005-12-06T03:32:34Z

so, I was cleaning off my dresser today, and now this stupid song is stuck in my head. I have a few different pads of sticky notes on my dresser and one's contained the first line to "I Miss You" for absolutely forever. even though the first line is only two general words (hello there), the note has been there for so long that even if I ever remove the top sheet the pad will probably still remind me of that song. oh well, I do like the sound of the song, if that's any help.

anyway... I read 100 pages of a book today. there was nothing else to do, my dad was on my computer this morning, went to my mom's while I was doing school, and the moment I was done with school got back on mine. I wasn't able to get on until 8:50 tonight - seriously, he was in here ALL day. now he's started getting into the habit of moving my monitor up and down. I wouldn't mind if he'd just put it back... goodness, he doesn't put my chair or my monitor back. every time I get over here I have to readjust it, but I still can't get it just right.

*sigh* in less than a month he could have his own computer, and this could all be over with.

...anyway, I'm not really complaining since there isn't a whole lot for me to do on here during those hours, anyway. I would have preferred 8:00 or 8:30, though.

blinks

2005-12-05T02:16:58Z

this weekend has been way too busy. I can't wait to sleep... I could just possibly be too tired to do a quality post.

so, Saturday morning, I went raking. well, I hardly raked (I baggged), but that's what we called it, anyway. uhhh... ate pizza, played the piano, watched some live entertainment (not in that order).

*thinks* then Katie and I stopped at my house, so my mom could bring us to Hugs. my dad told me that mom was going to stop at Family Dollar down the hill to get some bug spray on the way, but no-o-o-o, mom wanted to go to Job Lot... way out of the way. I told her that they wouldn't have any spray, and they didn't. xP so, all that for nothing, she ended up going to Stop & Shop.

so, yeah, there was Hugs, then after Hugs Katie came over so that we could watch Love's Long Journey's premiere on Hallmark. we got home not too long after 5:00 and the movie didn't start 'til 9:00... so, we hung out and went through my shoebox full of memories.

Katie called me a geek and a mush that could never stand up for herself in an emotional trial. >_> no, seriously, she did.

she went home late, I went to bed way later.

it snowed, and then I went to church, Lauren came over, we went to the corner store, made posters, painted fingernails, looked for wallpaper, and uh... played Heart and Soul on the piano ... oh, yeah, that's a keyboard.

church after that, rather ordinary, I believe.

this wasn't as good as it could have been... I'm not in a posting mood, I want to go to bed.

...and process.

sweet silver bells

2005-12-03T01:34:57Z

so I was thinking for the sake of thinking while doing the laundry when I realized that my life really hasn't changed much over the past five years.

what I want to know is what high school is supposed to feel like... because I have no clue. In 18 months I'll be done with it, and I still haven't realized what it is. I've been doing "school" in this same old corner of the office for the past five years, and it all seems the same. I can't distinguish one year from another if I think back more than about two years ago.

...and I don't mind at all...

all in all I love my life. I love my family, I love the people that I know, I love where I live... It's different, all right, but it's okay. Maybe not every circumstance is quite the best, but what is?

I just... I don't know how to describe it.

It's all flying by so fast. So much seems like yesterday and so much seems like forever ago...

I'm going to be 16 in six months. (or, one... depending on how you count it) Is it okay that I still don't believe it?

tuna casserole.

2005-12-01T19:37:34Z

so, my mom's been sorta sick all this week, and when my mom's sick, no one eats normally. if you want to eat, you have to go find something and make it yourself... well, after a couple of days of doing that, on Tuesday just about all that was worth eating in the pantry was a can of tuna. ...but I so did not want to eat normal tuna, so I decided that I'd make a tuna casserole, since my mother wasn't really eating anyway. (for anyone who doesn't know, my mom can't stand fish of any sort, especially tuna) so, I grabbed the church cookbook and went to the index looking for a tuna casserole recipe, and whoop-de-do, there was a recipe. after glancing over the recipe, I realized that we did indeed have all the ingredients, except maybe cream of mushroom soup... all we had was cream of potato. after telling my dad about all this, he said that he'd be going to the grocery store later, and would pick up the soup then. well, knowing my dad "later" didn't mean thirty minutes, it meant like four hours... and I was hungry at the moment.... so instead of making a tuna casserole that night, I made chocolate chip cookies. :-)

anyway, life went on, and last night I was hungry, and still... all that was worth eating the pantry was a can of tuna. it was 10:30, but I really didn't care, so I pulled out the recipe book and the necessary ingredients. the noodles were boiling (well, sorta boiling...), I was mixing all the other ingredients together, and oh dear, I was putting the cream of potato soup in the "large saucepan". deciding against trying it, I emptied all that down the drain... great timing for the disposal getting fixed. (fortunately, I hadn't put the tuna in yet, or I really would have been stuck), and I continued with the mushroom soup... even though I wasn't sure if I liked mushrooms or not.

so, by 11:30 that night, dinner was ready, and I must say that even though it contained mild cheddar cheese instead of sharp, and the bread crumbs were the carb-conscious type made of soy, it came out pretty good, and Toria liked it too.

I had fun doing it, though my mom found it absolutely disgusting.

in other news... invisible kool-aid is very... uh... kool. it looks just like water, and when conviently disguised in a name-brand water bottle, no one will ask for a sip.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and guess what... I'm nearsighted in one eye and farsighted in the other... fun times.

...and I'm avoiding school by typing all this, so I guess I should finish that... since my weekend depends on it.

awww...

2005-11-30T00:58:08Z

Who cares that my quizzers can be mighty annoying, skip weeks of studying, and never listen... when they can be so darn sweet.

I think Rachel (who didn't study this week....) would be the quizzer that I've spent the least amount of time actually talking to on the phone... well today we ended up talking about Christmas and stuff. It was pretty neat.

Tori got a gold star. I could tell that she hadn't spent all too much time studying, but she still got a gold star.

...and Jonathan... well, first of all, he only got like three questions wrong - out of his entire assignment, ten pointers, and review questions... to find out he'd only been able to study two days (he'd lost his assignment) ...yet he'd studied enough to actually know everything well. Then he got into how our performance the meet motivated him to start studying more. He's determined to do better next time, and knowing him, he'll stick with it.

okay, so there was that, and then he says the absolute sweetest thing ever. I'd been talking a little bit about how we'd done at the meet, and I mentioned how absolutely awful he is under pressure (hehe) ...how that was my own fault. And somehow from that...

"you know how my dad was talking about how we should be thankful all the time?"
"yeah."
"well this morning during my devotions I was thankful for you. you're a really good coach."
"awww..."
*pause*
"don't tell anyone that I said that, okay?"
*laughter*

Typed up it sounds really stupid, but it was so cute.

right here

2005-11-28T23:23:00Z

I killed a snowman yesterday.

My dad's been grumpy today... very grumpy. Violet has been whiny, Toria's been making big messes... blah.

And in other news...

if I told you, would you even care?

Right Here, Staind

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

lost in the motions

again...

only one

Christmas randomness

leave me alone

where my freaks?

falling forever

whoa...

huh?

Christmas movies

Last Christmas

an interesting day

broken dreams

WHAT?

beyond

whatever

running out of time

case histories.

you don't define me

bored boredness

hello there

*blinks*

sweet silver bells

tuna casserole.

awww...

right here

blinks